Photos by Taka Portrait Photography
Yeah yeah… it’s another pregnancy announcement on your feed! It definitely seems like something is in the water, there were like 8 other women announcing theirs in the month where I was waiting to make our announcement. It can be easy to dismiss all the thoughts and planning and fear and medical visits and excitement and worry wrapped up in each of these families’ journeys when posting a simple fun photo on facebook. Everyone’s stories are so different from each other. Mine mostly started with a tentative “okay maybe I’m ready” and a sudden “well then, it’s happening!”
I’ve always felt different than others when it came to the idea of motherhood. I’m not sure that I am, but it has always seemed that way from how it’s discussed, especially growing up in the South. That’s just what you do. You go through school, then get married, then have some kids. But I didn’t grow up dreaming of having children. I grew up dreaming of being an artist, working hard and finding out what success meant, growing my passions and learning about the world. I didn’t want to insert children into my life just because that’s what anyone else wanted me to do. I wanted to make sure it was what I wanted for myself.
I’ve always valued my independence. Being a full time business owner just makes sense for me, because I don’t need a boss convincing me to work hard; I adore it enough on its own. It gives me something to strive for and improve constantly, and it’s something I am so proud of. I have always been afraid that if I wasn’t able to work as much, I would be losing a big part of my identity. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen the examples of so many women that show me that is not true. I can be a mother and still retain the things that make me feel like me.
I feel so grateful to see so many women I admire pave the way for the rest of us who demonstrate through the lives that they are living that you can be a hard worker, and a learner, and a great mom. Look at all the powerful women around you. I see that being a mother means sacrifice. It can mean that you are strong. I want to work hard and have passions and still give everything I have to raise a child. (Not being a mother is totally okay too. Stop asking us about it like it’s inevitable.)
I think pregnancy can be a very connective experience with all the women who have gone and will go through it and also very solitary. The strange phenomenon of watching changes happen to your body foreshadows the massive changes that will happen in your life that are noticed only by each individual going through it. What we will each sacrifice is very personal. I only have a tiny idea of what I will gain in return, but I hear people enjoy it.
I found out I was pregnant on April 28th morning, and my husband found out 10 seconds after me. I’m not one for little cute surprises, and I was just as surprised myself. He’s quite a private person, but I will say that there’s not many more happy to be a father than he is. He’s an incredible life partner and person, and my number one comfort in all of this is his completely unwavering love, excitement and support. I am so grateful that he is my person and the biggest reason I want to do this.
I wouldn’t say I’m ready, because I have no idea what’s about to happen. In some ways I’d like to keep it that way, because I just want to take it one day at a time and be in the present moment. My biggest fear now is the process, medical visits, my issue with passing out with any needle involved and you know… the birth part. But they tell me that’s unfortunately unavoidable at the end. Afterwards there’s a whole heap of new challenges, which is exhausting to think about since I’m just trying to get through the beginning ones of nausea and lethargy while working and keeping up with social responsibilities. Yes, I have already been told 200 times that I’ll be tired for the next 3 years straight so don’t worry about letting me know, I got it!
I’m going to take a lot of time to listen to what I need right now, like all women should. For me that’s a lot of space to process, and time away from getting caught up in the “busyness” of life. We should embrace what speaks to us, and be true to ourselves with what we need physically, and MENTALLY, especially in such a pivotal time in our lives. Drown out the expectations, throw away baseless opinions that hurt you, and lean on the people supporting you. This is a journey that as my spouse is deployed for the next 6 months, I sometimes feel like I need to take alone, but so many of us are taking it and will take together.
SO.
My name is Rae! I’m a wedding and portrait photographer, I’m hopelessly in love with cats, my husband is a deployed Marine and a great guy.
I’m currently in Tokyo. I love fashion, getting lost on the internet, Ellen DeGeneres, deep conversation topics, and Nashville, and I’m 3 months pregnant.
